FILM: The Boat that Rocked (2009)

me⋅di⋅oc⋅ri⋅ty 
/ˌmidiˈɒkrɪti/ [mee-dee-ok-ri-tee] –noun, plural -ties.

1.the state or quality of being mediocre.
2.mediocre ability or accomplishment.
3.a mediocre person.

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Mild disappointment is a funny thing. Its like mild curry, mild weather or a mild case of dyssentry. Often, as a budding film-reviewer, I'd rather abhor a film than feel indifferent towards it. The Boat that Rocked demands a moderate dislike of which I am not accustomed. The film causes oozings of such hollow, unaffected apathy that to watch it is painful not because of how hackneyed the humour is, or how cliched the context, but merely because above all else The Boat that Rocked could have been better.

The premise is sensational - a pirate radio station broadcasting from a rusted hulk in the North Sea becomes the most popular frequency in Britain and the Man tries to shut it down. Add Bill Nighy and you're guaranteed success. In Screenwriting 101 you learn that the best way to pitch a film idea is to keep it short. When William Davies pitched the script for Twins he used three words, and three words only - "Schwarzenegger. Devito. Twins." I can only imagine what three words Richard Curtis used to sell The Boat that Rocked to Working Title - "Boat. Rock. Nighy," perhaps? And you can't blame W.T. for running with the idea. The problem is that the end result is more of a "Bland. Formulaic. Farce."

So what went wrong?

First and foremost, there was not nearly enough Nighy. Bill has rescued every movie he's ever been apart of. In Love actually he stole the show playing a down-and-out rock star. In Pirates of the Caribbean his portrayal of a down-and-out rock star was uncanny and in Notes on a Scandal he won acclaim for his down-and-out rock star-esque role.

Secondly, for a comedy, The Boat that Rocked was not actually all that jam-packed with laughs. It is not entirely devoid of humour, but if Curtis had spent a little more time on the funnies and a little less time on the excessive impromptu 60s dance numbers, this film would be a damn sight better.

And how could I forget the ending. Without giving too much away, if you like this film for the first 126 minutes, then the last 3 are sure to disgust even the most staunch nautical broadcasting fan. The final moments play out like a rained-out kindergarten Christmas pantomime - where every character is played by your grotty step-brother.

So what went right?

Very little.

...It's a pretty cool boat.

52

FILM: Knowing (2009)

Everyday it gets harder and harder to defend Nicholas Cage. We all know how good he was in films like Leaving Las Vegas and Adaptation, even if we haven’t seen them. To kids these days, alas, he’s Ghost Rider, he’s National Treasure (or whatever the lead character in that franchise is named). He can be great when he has something to work with, but more and more often he seems to be actively avoiding any challenging scripts (I say ‘challenging scripts’ rather than ‘challenging roles’ because I will not deny that a motorcycle rider with a flaming skull instead of a head could only be a challenging part to play).

Here, we have a totally serviceable premise- a time capsule buried in the ’50s contains a letter predicting every major disaster from the past 50 years. Already, we have a turn, a potential twist and a ticking clock to doomsday. It should really write itself- so what went wrong?

The biggest issue with the script here, other than some often cringe-worthy dialogue, is that the plot has no real structure. MIT astrophysics professor John (Cage) wanders through this mystery earnestly, with wide eyes and a furrowed brow, but no real sense of purpose. More often than not, he bumps into important characters and revelations by pure chance. One could of course argue that this is part of the film’s message- that, however seemingly random, everything happens for a reason. If so, it makes this one of the most disturbing blockbusters in a long time- uncomfortably insinuating that events such as the September 11 terrorist attacks were a necessary evil, part of some advanced alien/angelic disaster warning system.

Without any motivation beyond Shyamalan-esque clichés (“I’m a preacher’s son, but my wife died a few years ago and I’ve lost all faith!”) the characters are uniformly unlikeable and unengaging. What is heartbreaking here is that this film was directed by Alex Proyas, the guy behind the brilliant cult classic Dark City. The more mainstream I, Robot was an intriguing, internally consistent sci-fi thriller with very strong performances. Which makes it all the more puzzling that none of the actors here seem to have received much direction beyond “this is creepy, look creepy”, and the shot choices, while slick, are purely functional.

Praise has been heaped upon the Australian-made special effects in this film, but they really are a mixed bag. I won’t deny that there are some visually stunning moments, mostly in the more fantastical sequences, but there are times when things ring so far from the truth that they are almost laughable. The train crash sequence would look great in a videogame, not in a film aiming for any credibility; any time the special effects team attempt to render realistic fire on screen, one cannot help but cringe (and here’s a drinking game for Aussie viewers: take a shot every time you recognize a Melbourne landmark or tram in what is supposed to be Brooklyn or New York).

Add a derivative and often inappropriate soundtrack to the above criticisms and should be pretty clear that this will be a disappointing cinematic experience for film lovers, science fiction buffs and Proyas fans alike.

50

Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles (2008)

Crystal Castles are a Hugh Grant movie, enjoyable sure, but about as enduring as yo-yos.

“Untrust Us” sounds as lethargic as its creators. It unsuccessfully attempts to lift a vocal sample, also seen on Death From Above 1979’s Heads Up EP, over an unfitting tempo, Not-iN*SYNC.

“Alice Practice” bleeps and bubbles with synthesizers haphazardly. Alice Glass yells emotively about something not entirely clear (being misunderstood?!). This song is also a false promise, it’s the album’s angsty highlight and it’s all too fleeting. Here, the sizeable difference between what Crystal Castles wish they were and what they are is not so noticeable.

The “Crimewave” mash up with HEALTH bobs along with a sexy I’m-so-detached-from-existence-you-want-to-be-me swagger. Momentum garnered from these 3 previous electr-ongs is quickly thwarted however, with the agonizingly repetitive “Magic Spells”. It plods along at a glacial pace for 6 minutes and reaches no peaks, nor troughs. It’s fashion runway ready.

The debut also suffers from tracklist sequencing. “XXZXCUZX Me” has hammering synthesizers which could easily induce a frenzy in first time listeners, this energizer should have been first. “Vanished” has an infectiously spooky melody, complete with Van She vocals.

“Tell Me What to Swallow” (Tell Me What Rockers to Swallow – Yeah Yeah Yeahs anyone?) wraps up the debut from these misfits who, because of this song, are actually clearly sensitive beings (misunderstood?!).

Crystal Castles are(n’t) better than you. They hold parties and you’ll never been invited. That said, Crystal Castles is one guest list that I’m only so happy to be left off.

I’ve never played the Crystal Castles game released by Atari, but I wonder how many lives you’re granted before it’s game over.

56
(58 - SM, 49 - MF)
Combined Rating = 54.3